the rest of the story

 I want so much to tell you all the things. All the insides and outsides. The last five years have been less about the journey outside - but a fucking abyss deep dive into all the closets, locked spots, and hidden away treasures that contribute to what makes me tick as well as putting into practice new ways of ticking. 

Hopefully I find the energy at some point, but 2020 is fill in the blank and I feel so far removed from this little corner of the internet. 

Hope you are well. Hope you have found ways of coping. I am mostly well, as well as one could be when American Democracy is on the line and Im desperately worried for so many lives that will be seriously jeopardized if that POS is reelected. My immediates are so far healthy and untouched by the pandemic. I know that I am privileged and I am doing my best to move through this world recognizing and acknowledging how to be better and do differently with that privilege. 

xoxoxo 

PS. Flickr is a bit out of date as well

PPS. Instagram is mostly up to date 

PART ONE

Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out-of-the-way in order to come back a short distance correctly. - Jerry (Zoo Story by Edward Albee)

A month ago at the end of October I returned to the scene of a heinous crime that had occurred at the turn of the year - Boston Logan Airport. My last visit thru I had factually, actually, literally, figuratively felt/been imprisoned for 17+ hours on the other side of security in the JetBlue Terminal.



I have travelled my entire life, I feel like I am my best self when I am in a state of movement from one place to another, I am a proud survivor of holiday travel mayhem: circling O'Hare in Chicago during winter storms, Rocky Mountain turbulence, a delay here or there, sitting on the tarmac waiting to be de-iced... but whatever the reason this experience was next level and I had a moment of existential crisis.

Letting go has not ever been my forte. I am an excellent holder-oner-toer. My shoulders are strong from grudges I've carried for decades. My heart heavy with the burdens of the world. My legs sturdy in the winds of change. But truly the circumstances of the day were completely beyond my control and all I could do was be present in each and every passing long second of that wait, I had to surrender completely.

I made it back to Western PA and into my bed just about the time I had woken up the morning before to depart for my 1hr 45min flight from Boston to Pittsburgh. I did not know it then that over the course of 2016 I would be brought to surrender over and over and over again.

processing

a LOT happened between September 2015 and September 2016... 

way back in October 2015 M and i made a road trip to Colorado to celebrate his birthday, where we met, get some closure, blah de blah.  nearly a year ago. it took me nearly a year to "process" my photos from the trip. in some ways it took me nearly a year to process the closure the trip brought me in terms of some stuff i've been working on. 

processing the closure... UGLY. i don't have any photos of that. and no one wants to see photos of that. 

processing the trip.... we could not have asked for more perfect Colorado weather. it was beautiful. our views at any given point were spectacular. a road trip with the man i fell in love with 20 years ago, like a second honeymoon. i present the photographic evidence of a fantastic road trip. 

Dropping Anchor~

A few posts back (nearly a year ago) I spoke of posting less and less in part because life just is. It's just happening to all of us. Shortly thereafter we moved out of the house that we had called home for five years and moved in with a friend. We were lucky enough to have a large bedroom, and could store some stuff on site, but almost everything went elsewhere including a shady storage unit place and a friend's basement. 

That process was way more painful than I had expected it to be. For one I knew it would be the last place that our kiddo would ever live with us as a kid; there are no plans for her to move back in with us but if she did she would most certainly not be a kid and I would make her pay rent. It was also the longest place I have ever lived in my life. I'm sure I've mentioned previously that up until 2004 I (we) moved a LOT / almost every year for most of my life. Having then had the experience of living in a place for a long time and feeling so settled in, knowing the routine of life. I was nervous about stepping away from that, just as we had done six years earlier sorta throwing our faith into the unknown of moving across country.  It was also overwhelming as we had a huge road trip planned back to Colorado to celebrate M's 40th birthday, departing almost immediately after packing everything up and moving into our new space. The room we were in was very large for a hundred year old home, but it was a room (not a house, not even an apt). I did my best to make it feel homey; but we knew this was only a short term solution. 

We hunkered down for 8 months and finally felt ready to purchase our first and possibly forever home.  It was exhausting and overwhelming, but I hear from some that comparatively we didn't look at very many houses, and we only lost one house in a bidding situation... thankfully at the end of the day we finally found our X that marks the spot. 

Land Ahoy! 

Love my Narnia Lamp Post

The Main Deck

It ended up being in the part of town we wanted to live in. It feels like you are in the suburbs but we are the same distance from all the amenities we've always used. It is the perfect size for us, and the occasional guest. The yard is excellent for entertaining. My commute has been a little challenging, but I've embraced it wholeheartedly. I honestly could not have dreamed for a more perfect place to stake my claim on. After so many years, I'm finally dropping anchor. I've slowly been dismantling my stash of moving boxes or giving them away. I am home in Pittsburgh. I am becoming at home in myself. I'm excited about how transforming our property will contribute to my continual transformation. I am so thrilled to let my roots really start to grow into the the soil which is Pittsburgh. I am grateful that we actually have a lovely porch with which to sit on and grow old together watching sunsets (and there are jaw dropping sunsets on occasion). 

This treasure island does require some work, but with all my years of HGTV watching experience, and M's handyman skills (and "This Old House" videos) I'm confident we'll keep ourselves busy with projects for years to come. I have fallen in love with Pittsburgh all over again, and I am excited about the adventure of homeownership, and sharing it with yinz who read this blog, and most certainly sharing it with anyone who wants to come visit. The accommodations are still a work in progress, but we will do our best to make you comfortable. 

The Color Pallet

If you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for taking time to "listen" to me. I am glad I have this record of the last seven years to remind me how we got to the now. Realistically I have no idea what the next seven years will look like even though I am contemplating the five year blow-out plan on the house. I am no longer out to sea (blatant blog title reference), but home-owner"ship" is new and definitely unfamiliar territory to me. 

It may not always be here but I am already capturing as much of the experience as possible; because my favorite part of any home makeover show is the BEFORE and AFTER. 

Find me almost daily on instagram: www.instagram.com/hazrithasit/ for up to date stories. Or flickr for the main shows: www.flickr.com/gp/tirzymcwirzy

xoxox until next time... 

muscle memory

when you've been away at sea for so long but than somehow find yourself steering the ship as if in your old port. 

"fair to middlin"

Something my pops says to me often when I ask him how he is doing. Something the receptionist said at my office one day when I asked her how she was doing.

I've been searching for reasons and purpose a lot as of late. I've wanted to believe beyond my normal ability. To throw my caution and reserve to the wind and have a little hope. 

Sometimes that is easier said than done. #tbh right now fair to middlin is the best I got. 

reaping what I have sewn

I have a refrain in my head about my inability to raise a child or keep a plant alive. 

I raised a child, and I did it well (for the most part). 

As of late I've been taking up focused green thumbing.

There were sunflowers last spring and summer.... 

there have been some succulents...

looking forward to challenging other "truths" I've been telling myself in the coming year. 

looking back

considering my last post was about a weekend that happened a year ago in February... I should probably "say" something. so...

Every other week (give or take) for the last nine months I've spent 50 minutes with a therapist. I've been doing this (and will continue doing this) because honestly I've tired of lugging the baggage of my life behind me, and didn't/don't want to do it anymore. It has not been an easy process and at times has felt awful, sometimes for days afterwards; but I could not be more grateful for the experience today; and am excited for what new revelations are to come.

Recently one of my most favorite singers came out with a new album, and while most people are hearing the song in terms of a love relationship, I prefer to hear it as the singer herself has suggested, "It's a love song to herself..." I can totally relate.

PNW love on the East Coast

Long before M and I made the decision to move "back East" two of my dearest friends had made the move in that direction, one to Maine and the other to RI. Because my mom was also in Maine and we often flew in and out of Boston Logan, it made visits with them both easier than it might have been otherwise.

The ties that bind me to these women is strong. I am forever grateful that we've maintained these friendships and with us moving closer to the Atlantic we've had many more opportunities to spend time together. Both ladies have visited Pittsburgh, each with their families, as well as each making the trip to celebrate my 40th with me. I treasure all the memories we've created and am always looking for an opportunity to make more with them. So this past February when my friend JW was celebrating her 40th I knew I had to reciprocate attendance and because I know KLC often works in Boston asked her if she might squeeze me in a for a day.

It was exactly what I needed in the middle of such a dark cold winter and it warmed my heart immediatly.

Friendship requires maintenance, and I am so glad both these women continue to contribute to the health of our relationships. I expect many more memories to be made in the years to come. 

Safe to say I've disembarked the boat~

Six years ago we "set sail" from the Pacific Northwest and headed for the Point, where the Allegheny and Monongahela Rivers meet to form the Ohio.

I was blogging steadily through my experinces of letting go of everything I'd known and established for myself, my family.  It was challenging and at times painful... some months were one small incident after another; where as other times it would seem as if we were climbing the Mt. Everest of insurmountable obstacles. Writing was cathartic and enabled me to keep a larger swath of far away loved ones, family and friends in the know of what was going on. I'll admit I knew it had been spotty, but I was genuinely surprised to see how very little I have actually blogged in the last few years. While there are various reasons, I'd say the most likely culprit is that it's no longer an experience living here, but simply life....

LIVING here in the moment, LIVING here in our beloved East End neighborhood, working here, living HERE = HOME.

~ home is where the heart is ~

LHG has, of course, embarked on her own adventures, moving in to her first real house with someone other than her parents. College, career, travel, whatever her heart desires and we will be here in Pittsburgh supporting her as best we can. 

While we won't be moving any time soon (or EVAH), together M and I will be charting new territories as a couple. For the first time in our 19+ year history it will just be the two of us. Of course we still have the dog, jobs, bills, etcetera; but in the last year we've definitly had more time for each other and our individual hobbies, M has even taken up golf!!! I completed another Rachel Carson Challenge, albeit only 1/2 the distance as last years. We are moving in September, and revisiting where our love story begin in October. We are both working on our 6th year at our respective employers and while we aren't always madly in love with what we do, I think we would agree that we have it better than most in the professional department.





Today is so much more than I imagined for myself, for us, for our lives when I looked out a hotel room windown in Spokane, WA lo those six years ago and took this picture of all our belongings packed into a moving van towing our beloved Subaru (also packed with more belongings).



All the suffering and frustration was a means to an end... so much growth has come from the last six years. So much insight, and knowledge gained. SO MUCH LOVE experienced. SO MUCH LOVE. 

Eyes like wild flowers within demons of change...

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.

...Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.

Oh my my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong. 

Ben Howard

When I stated unequivocally that my 40th year was going to be a game changer, I don't think I had the last 9 months in mind. 2014 in all itz glory

There have been some pretty major milestones, along with a few minor ones: 

MAJOR: M and I have been married for 10 years (together for 18)!!!
minor: I changed oil for the first time in my life. 

REALLY MAJOR: I trekked 34 miles in one day: so-this-did-happen and I can prove it: show

major-ish: I did not suffer any injuries after trekking for 35 in less than 15 hours. 

Minor: The kid survived her freshman year, and her exceptionally boring summer at home.

MAJOR: We have lived in Pittsburgh for five years!!! Which also means I've actively maintained a blog about moving to Pittsburgh for five years and I am still as excited about living here as I was to move here. 

MAJOR: The kid returned to her sophomore year with two jobs, two radio shows, determination and enthusiasm. SO PROUD. 

This past year has provided me with many opportunities to reflect upon where I started and where I've arrived in this year with so many milestones. There have been many moments in the last 25 years where I could not contemplate what my life would look like at 40. There have even been moments I did not think I would be alive at 40 (they've been few and far between, but they've happened). 

So this is it, eh? Forty...

Materialistically - Got stuff. Nice stuff. Meaningful stuff, some random stuff, I try not to hold on to crappy stuff. 

Professionally - Although my current duties in cube life leave something to be desired at the moment, I know that I am VERY LUCKY to have a job and specifically a job that comes with a living wage, good benefits, reasonable hours and expectations. I am also lucky to have this job because there was a time in my life I did not have excellent prospects in the job dept. Certainly a job that came with all the aforementioned qualities was not one I thought I (a single mother with no college education) would be having. While my skills and drive have led me to maintain a decent professional career I can not deny that I have had more than my fair share of lucky breaks along the way.

Health - I definitely indulge, but I exercise and drink gallons of water, so I'm doing okay.

Friends - what can I say about those who provide me with counsel, laughter, support, respect and compassion not in spite of my crazy ways, but because of my crazy ways - for that I am forever indebted to them.

Family - while my family connections are smaller than some - those that I have keep me rooted in truth, loyalty, and belief.

Last but not least, in fact most important - LOVE - love is simple and complicated all at once. IT is worth it. IT has saved me from fear and from ignorance, IT has saved me from myself more than once and IT will likely save me again in the future. love is a gift and I work hard not to take it for granted, including the love I have for myself. 

40 has kicked my ass. 40 has shown me what I am capable of and who I can be. 40 was not what I expected, but it has been everything I asked for. 40 is so good.

There are three months left in this carnival ride of a year, I'm looking forward to settling in to my fourth decade in this fourth quarter of my fortieth year: beginning with my first South Side Step Trek, and our fifth hockey season (#LetsGoPens). 40 is good and its only getting better.

yet another article

espousing why Pittsburgh is such a great place to visit... PEOPLE - come see this amazing place and me too.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/travel/what-a-trip-living-it-up-in-pittsburgh-hidden-arts-and-culture-jewel/2014/08/21/ed543b1a-27bf-11e4-86ca-6f03cbd15c1a_story.html

exactly six months in...

... to forty. 40. 4-tay. 

a drop in the bucket of the first six months of each of the previous 39 years. some of which I tried to capture on instagram via a photo a day for the 39 days leading up to my 40th.

#fortytoforty the first twelve days

a good collection of pondering looks in this set

here, there, and everywhere

me and some ladies who are very dear to me

and these 39 photos are just a drop in the bucket of the photographs I have accumulated over this life, often with camera in hand (mostly now my phone/camera/radio/news//////) of myself, my family, friends, moments and memories.

I am grateful for this hobby it reminds me of all that has come before these last six months; despite life not always being easy - my life has been rich with friendship, ripe with fun, and most of all love. For me these photographs remind me I am valued, and I am valuable.

To this day Im not fully certain of what my purpose is in this life... maybe it is just to love the people who have loved me. I am pretty good at that. It's possible that in the next 30+ years I have an A-HA moment about my purpose. Regardless I will continue to be grateful for all the love I have been shown and I will do my best to pay it forward.

Technically still 39 in this first photo:

This one was taken later that day after the time at which I was officially born:

connections

Please watch... and then go make an actual connection. 

so this is going to happen....

hopefully. if I train properly....

Rachel Carson Trail Challenge

from here it looks so managable

and still I think I can do this

Little more than a month after registration was opened, the limit was reached. And there are already those on the wait list. So how many people is this limited to you might ask... 600. Some folks wait the morning of the challenge to get a spot, if at the end someone has just not shown up (because they woke up and said, "Uh uh, no way no how").

Thankfully there are awesome volunteers who run training hikes. I am doing all but one, scheduling conflicts and all; hoping doing so will contribute to my successful completion of the full challenge.

It was a real challenging winter, and I am grateful to have this event to keep me focused on brighter days (the actual challenge is on the Summer Solstice). Training requires me to eat better, exercise, and take care of myself - all things which help beat the blues (any time of year).

The other awesome benefit of doing this is developing a friendship with a woman who I admire, respect, and laughs with me. 

first steps on first training hike

first major dahn'ill

my ma's encouraging spirit is with me always

the edge

the bottom of the above edge

one of many vistas

rust bucket in the back hills

I think we interrupted some courting "love birds"

another lovely vista

sometimes you just hear the trains, and sometimes you see them

not bad, documenting where to put my band-aids next time

Destination Empty Nest

Destination Empty Nest, a set on Flickr.

The holidays barely behind us, and deep in to hockey season and nary a peep from me about my daughter's initial departure to college. I don't feel too terribly horrible about it. I'd like to think it is the result of my free time being occupied with things other than non-work screen time. Though admittedly I did probably/totally spend some time using my small screen (iPhone) to edit photos (via some great apps) I took in the second half of 2013.

I tried several times to write a post documenting my girlie's send off to higher education and her first real test as an adult succeeding in the world; but I guess for me it is best done through my favorite story telling medium.

I am very proud of my daughter. I know that she knows this is an amazing opportunity and she is taking full advantage of it. It is the biggest compliment I could ask from her. That and her new found love of hockey.

Way to go kid, WAY TO GO.