reaping what I have sewn

I have a refrain in my head about my inability to raise a child or keep a plant alive. 

I raised a child, and I did it well (for the most part). 

As of late I've been taking up focused green thumbing.

There were sunflowers last spring and summer.... 

there have been some succulents...

looking forward to challenging other "truths" I've been telling myself in the coming year. 

Safe to say I've disembarked the boat~

Six years ago we "set sail" from the Pacific Northwest and headed for the Point, where the Allegheny and Monongahela Rivers meet to form the Ohio.

I was blogging steadily through my experinces of letting go of everything I'd known and established for myself, my family.  It was challenging and at times painful... some months were one small incident after another; where as other times it would seem as if we were climbing the Mt. Everest of insurmountable obstacles. Writing was cathartic and enabled me to keep a larger swath of far away loved ones, family and friends in the know of what was going on. I'll admit I knew it had been spotty, but I was genuinely surprised to see how very little I have actually blogged in the last few years. While there are various reasons, I'd say the most likely culprit is that it's no longer an experience living here, but simply life....

LIVING here in the moment, LIVING here in our beloved East End neighborhood, working here, living HERE = HOME.

~ home is where the heart is ~

LHG has, of course, embarked on her own adventures, moving in to her first real house with someone other than her parents. College, career, travel, whatever her heart desires and we will be here in Pittsburgh supporting her as best we can. 

While we won't be moving any time soon (or EVAH), together M and I will be charting new territories as a couple. For the first time in our 19+ year history it will just be the two of us. Of course we still have the dog, jobs, bills, etcetera; but in the last year we've definitly had more time for each other and our individual hobbies, M has even taken up golf!!! I completed another Rachel Carson Challenge, albeit only 1/2 the distance as last years. We are moving in September, and revisiting where our love story begin in October. We are both working on our 6th year at our respective employers and while we aren't always madly in love with what we do, I think we would agree that we have it better than most in the professional department.





Today is so much more than I imagined for myself, for us, for our lives when I looked out a hotel room windown in Spokane, WA lo those six years ago and took this picture of all our belongings packed into a moving van towing our beloved Subaru (also packed with more belongings).



All the suffering and frustration was a means to an end... so much growth has come from the last six years. So much insight, and knowledge gained. SO MUCH LOVE experienced. SO MUCH LOVE. 

Eyes like wild flowers within demons of change...

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.

...Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.

Oh my my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong. 

Ben Howard

When I stated unequivocally that my 40th year was going to be a game changer, I don't think I had the last 9 months in mind. 2014 in all itz glory

There have been some pretty major milestones, along with a few minor ones: 

MAJOR: M and I have been married for 10 years (together for 18)!!!
minor: I changed oil for the first time in my life. 

REALLY MAJOR: I trekked 34 miles in one day: so-this-did-happen and I can prove it: show

major-ish: I did not suffer any injuries after trekking for 35 in less than 15 hours. 

Minor: The kid survived her freshman year, and her exceptionally boring summer at home.

MAJOR: We have lived in Pittsburgh for five years!!! Which also means I've actively maintained a blog about moving to Pittsburgh for five years and I am still as excited about living here as I was to move here. 

MAJOR: The kid returned to her sophomore year with two jobs, two radio shows, determination and enthusiasm. SO PROUD. 

This past year has provided me with many opportunities to reflect upon where I started and where I've arrived in this year with so many milestones. There have been many moments in the last 25 years where I could not contemplate what my life would look like at 40. There have even been moments I did not think I would be alive at 40 (they've been few and far between, but they've happened). 

So this is it, eh? Forty...

Materialistically - Got stuff. Nice stuff. Meaningful stuff, some random stuff, I try not to hold on to crappy stuff. 

Professionally - Although my current duties in cube life leave something to be desired at the moment, I know that I am VERY LUCKY to have a job and specifically a job that comes with a living wage, good benefits, reasonable hours and expectations. I am also lucky to have this job because there was a time in my life I did not have excellent prospects in the job dept. Certainly a job that came with all the aforementioned qualities was not one I thought I (a single mother with no college education) would be having. While my skills and drive have led me to maintain a decent professional career I can not deny that I have had more than my fair share of lucky breaks along the way.

Health - I definitely indulge, but I exercise and drink gallons of water, so I'm doing okay.

Friends - what can I say about those who provide me with counsel, laughter, support, respect and compassion not in spite of my crazy ways, but because of my crazy ways - for that I am forever indebted to them.

Family - while my family connections are smaller than some - those that I have keep me rooted in truth, loyalty, and belief.

Last but not least, in fact most important - LOVE - love is simple and complicated all at once. IT is worth it. IT has saved me from fear and from ignorance, IT has saved me from myself more than once and IT will likely save me again in the future. love is a gift and I work hard not to take it for granted, including the love I have for myself. 

40 has kicked my ass. 40 has shown me what I am capable of and who I can be. 40 was not what I expected, but it has been everything I asked for. 40 is so good.

There are three months left in this carnival ride of a year, I'm looking forward to settling in to my fourth decade in this fourth quarter of my fortieth year: beginning with my first South Side Step Trek, and our fifth hockey season (#LetsGoPens). 40 is good and its only getting better.

Destination Empty Nest

Destination Empty Nest, a set on Flickr.

The holidays barely behind us, and deep in to hockey season and nary a peep from me about my daughter's initial departure to college. I don't feel too terribly horrible about it. I'd like to think it is the result of my free time being occupied with things other than non-work screen time. Though admittedly I did probably/totally spend some time using my small screen (iPhone) to edit photos (via some great apps) I took in the second half of 2013.

I tried several times to write a post documenting my girlie's send off to higher education and her first real test as an adult succeeding in the world; but I guess for me it is best done through my favorite story telling medium.

I am very proud of my daughter. I know that she knows this is an amazing opportunity and she is taking full advantage of it. It is the biggest compliment I could ask from her. That and her new found love of hockey.

Way to go kid, WAY TO GO.

closing the Face Book Chapter

Lots of friends I met at work

I initially joined because after a few months of people asking and past the point of us notifying people we were moving away from Seattle I concurred it seemed like an easy enough way to stay in touch with our people; the community I built up over the 16 years we had lived in Seattle. Folks I'd met through work (mostly), through kid activities, random events, or mutual friends;  Other Coloradans who had migrated to the NW.  Friendships that carried us along through some challenging times and celebrated with us when the occasion arose; essentially the village that helped raise my daughter for 14 years... 

Life Long "Villagers"

I hadn't expected it but of course, as happens, I did end up connecting with people I had gone to elementary - high school with...

EVEN friended a few folks I met during my 7th grade yr. (living with my grandparents in the South)...

many many moons ago.... 

and it made sense that with my little one turning the corner into teendom, I figured I should have an account so that I could keep an eye on hers (although she has since even grown out of FB and moved onto Tumblr (which I don't have and don't care too)...

it goes by so so fast. 

Then... FB became a tool for connecting with people, and places here in Pittsburgh and wow did I ever connect. The thing that has made all the difference, for me here in terms of assimilatin' n'at, are the people who have brought me into their own communities. The folks who have literally opened their hearts and homes to my entire family - because of that our story in PGH is easily a successful mid-life-quit-our-jobs-move-cross-country experiment.

Pittsburgh Ladies KNOW how to inspire! 

Families, Fun, Friends

I was thinking about the weekend I "swung by da'Burgh" for a weekend two months before we  moved here, and realized all these amazing, talented, loving people were here going on about their lives, and even if inadvertently, making space for us in them. I could not be more grateful.  

You can take the girl out of the Burgh... 

For all this and more yes I have indeed took advantage of Facebook; but I think its usefulness isn't what it used to be. I've used both Flickr and Twitter to assure future interactions with new people who came into my life and for the ones who are already in it, I've decided there are other better methods of keeping those synapses active. One of those being the US Postal System. I LOVE MAIL, real touchable tangible mail. I love receiving and sending it and I feel that given the state of the system I better get my use out of it now, before the whole thing goes kaput.

But you can't take the Burgh out of the Girl!!!! 

There is also email, text, telephone, facetime and or skype, and for some there is even LinkedIn. The kid is nearly off to start her own young adult life, and for those connections I have made which are unable to survive my departure from facebook I can only offer up my appreciation for sharing this strange social network experience with me and wish you all the best.

I'm looking forward, actually, to spending more energy on my hobbies, my mid-life, my honey, LIFE in general. 

not the one sailing away this time...

a week from tomorrow my beloved child will turn 16.

I've stated many times that I was so looking forward to her growing older, and that I anxiously awaited the day she turned 21 and I could saddle up to the bar and have a drink with her and chat about all the mysteries of life. and here I am bleeding out my eye balls at the site of her growing up and away from me. WTF?

Some of you reading this you might recall the who that was me at 16 - tempestuous, dazed, confused, narcissistic, stubborn, caged, wild, weary, fierce, frightened... none of which my daughter is - who instead is calm, collected, knowing, strong, restrained, consistent, compassionate, sacrificing, fearless....

I now know that at 16 I could not fathom being worthy of having a person such as she love me unconditionally; and just as I realize this she is near to the end of being mine (all mine). She is moving on, as she should, into falling in love with the world at large and with other people and I must share her with all that is out of my control.

My darling daughter, I will remain steadfast on shore and watch as you go off to sail the seas of your own life; and I will hope that the light you lit oh those many years ago will shine bright enough so that you can find your way during a storm to safe harbor. xo

it wouldn't be the first time...

33/365: into the deep
Originally uploaded by foto fledgling

before I go further in this post it's worth stating: LIFE IS GOOD.

Although I may get frustrated because the huz won't put away the dishes on occasion, my marriage is strong and really I have nothing to complain about. He loves me, he loves our daughter, he hasn't nor do I think he would stray, he cooks dinner for us nearly every night, and he works hard to help keep a roof over our head. And despite my teenager's sometimes surlyness, sometimes messy-ness, and sometimes lack of listening, again I really have nothing to complain about. I think we have a pretty good relationship; we still laugh together A LOT, every now and then she hugs me without me prompting, and we can snuggle and watch 10 episodes of LOST in a row.

My job isn't my dream job, and it has had a lot of challenges but it's gotten better then it was several months ago and I know I am really lucky just to be employed. I still have no regrets about Pittsburgh, and I am really blessed to have found a great support system here.

Having said all that... depression has reared it's ugly head. For me it's genetic. Usually there have been external circumstances that have caused it to surface... the end of a relationship, postpartum, a car accident, whatever.... This time though it's all me, it's all internal; every self doubt I've ever had has managed to find a voice and is shouting inside my head. I KNOW I've made mistakes, I KNOW I am only human, and I even KNOW that I am loved.

I'm putting this out there not for sympathy, not for advice, and not for shock value but because I don't want to hide it. Depression and other mental health diseases are still very taboo in our society and often the pictures they show are not of normal every day people but monsters who end up taking theirs or someone else's life (NOTE: I am NOT that depressed, and am NOT having suicidal thoughts). Too often mental health services are cut because there just isn't funding and then those who are in desperate need can't get the help they need. I am lucky enough to have health insurance and do plan on utilizing it as part of my get better plan.

I KNOW this too will pass. That I will move forward, that I will be OK, that eventually the doubts will quiet down and once again it will be easier to get out of bed in the morning, that I will have courage to tackle things I previously feared, that I won't question my past because I will only be looking to the future. I know this is true.

Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not bombarding me with your ideas on how I can be fixed. Thank you for your understanding and patience while I go through this process.

six months in....

that's good, cause I live here now.
Originally uploaded by foto fledgling

I can say there are some things I may have done differently if I had been given the choice; but everything happens for a reason.

I would have gladly gone without the last three months professionaly; but it is what it is and I will acknowledge I learned a thing or two through that experience. Now though, I am going to get back on track and begin the business of doing what I said I wanted to do; working back at the University of Pittsburgh will help out with that.

I would not change where we live, I am still happy with our living quarters. Other than no garage, it's durn near perfect. for now anyways. I am looking forward to spring... I am pretty sure there will be lots of chirping in the trees all around.

HFG continues to do as well if not better then any 14 1/2 yr. old I've ever known; who was ripped from their life and everything they've mostly ever known.

The huz is who he always is... the rock; with mad skillz in the kitchen. Thank heavens for him.

The dog still loves the yard, and is happy as ever.

As much as I am trying to be in the moment, I admit to wondering what the next six months will be like.... and where we will be on the one year anniversary of arriving home.

the end of an era...

11:59 PM, December 31,1999: I can still hear the sounds of the Pacific Ocean washing up on the beach ... I can taste the salt coming in on the breeze, and hear the old cabin creaking under the weight of the stories lived within it's walls...

10 years since:

• I've had seven addresses: five of them within 10 miles of each other.... the last one being the longest I've ever lived anywhere ever in my whole entire life and in turn being over 2500+ miles away from the one I have now.
• 4 jobs: two in Software (it was Seattle after all); 2 health related (-care software, then public-); 2 were less then a year; and the other two went on for several years... each one has left an indelible mark on my life... Some of my nearest and dearest friends came out of three of them. The only thing good about the fourth was I was home for nearly three months of it doing nothing and getting paid absurd amounts of money for doing nothing, the other three I spent traveling internationally from Seattle to London to Vancouver, back and round again a few times.
• My daughter has gone from a lil' bean entering Kindergarten to a young woman with self awareness, compassion, and amazing talent. I have loved her, loathed her, needed her, rejected her, lost her, found her and she has survived it all. I hope in the next 10 years I can mostly love her, understand her, be grateful for her, respect her, but most importantly let her go out into the world knowing I helped create the foundation on which she will build her dreams.
• a very unlikely tall glass of something warm and smooth (aka my man) has stood by my side through all that and more: losing loved ones too soon; celebrating unions with friends and having them celebrate our union with us; together watched as the the world forever changed on 9/11 and clung to the innocence slipping from our child's life in that moment; did our best to soothe each other's suffering; continued to travel and drop each other off and picked each other up from the airport more times then I can count; road tripped North, South, East, and West more than once or even twice; lost two cars to motor vehicle accidents (IE. NOT fender benders) and have managed to survive them with all limbs intact; adopted our furry faced baby, yes, the dog, and raised our little puppy to be an unmanageable ball of cuteness; we have even come close to walking away, but somehow have ALWAYS found our way back; and at the end of it all we will fall asleep tonight and wake up in a new year and new decade with a love for one another like very few people are lucky enough to know!

I can't imagine what the next 10 years will hold, but I also can't imagine beginning them from any other vantage point... I have the love of my life by my side, I start a new job at the beginning of January, and I become a student of higher learning (for the first time in 17 years I've been in a classroom for my own education) at the end of January. I will look fear in the face and be the best I can be for me, so that my daughter might see that she too can be the best that she can be. And while I may have lost sight of that shore on the West Coast, there are new shores waiting to be discovered...

for all I hope you FEEL joy, HAVE health, and KNOW peace~ tirz

in case you thought to ask, "How are you?"

I would have to say, "While I can't say my life is magnificent I definitely feel more present in it and there is something fulfilling in that."

This past week was fraught with some challenges, but instead of wallowing in self pity, I took action. I recognized what I could control and I focused on that. Those things that were beyond my reach were exactly that and not worth my fretting over. And at the end of the day Friday, I knew I had done the best I could do and everything happened for a reason and it was all good; even when at first glance it seemed like it didn't and wasn't.

I will admit to being one of those people who has harboured jealousy of what others have, but I see how what I have is priceless. Above all I have LOVE in my life: in the form of an understanding and supportive life partner, a compassionate daughter, and other family and friends that are unrelenting in their encouragement. In the dark there is the light in my mother's eyes; in the cold there is warmth in my husband's arms; when my stomach is empty there is a chair at my friend's table... what more could I ask for? I think nothing, except maybe to be reminded each day of this truth.

How am I? I am BLESSED.

"It is good to practice life before embarking upon it" M.Dherin

I've said before that until Michael and I purchased our bedroom suite of furniture, I'd always felt like we were playing house. You know the scene: teenagers in health class get a fake baby doll that cries, and poops; except our doll actually kept on growing and is now a teenager herself, and we weren't actually teenagers, although not far from it at 21 and 23.

I'm not sure about Michael, but sometimes I feel like I've just been stumbling through from one day to the next... not really intending anything but to get from A to B each day. Now I finally feel like I'm not practicing anymore. I'm making decisions from a place of maturity and experience and intention. I'm choosing a life with my husband and we're considering the future and how we need to be prepared to help our daughter become the young woman she is growing in to.

We're embarking on the life we've been practicing all these years~