reaping what I have sewn

I have a refrain in my head about my inability to raise a child or keep a plant alive. 

I raised a child, and I did it well (for the most part). 

As of late I've been taking up focused green thumbing.

There were sunflowers last spring and summer.... 

there have been some succulents...

looking forward to challenging other "truths" I've been telling myself in the coming year. 

looking back

considering my last post was about a weekend that happened a year ago in February... I should probably "say" something. so...

Every other week (give or take) for the last nine months I've spent 50 minutes with a therapist. I've been doing this (and will continue doing this) because honestly I've tired of lugging the baggage of my life behind me, and didn't/don't want to do it anymore. It has not been an easy process and at times has felt awful, sometimes for days afterwards; but I could not be more grateful for the experience today; and am excited for what new revelations are to come.

Recently one of my most favorite singers came out with a new album, and while most people are hearing the song in terms of a love relationship, I prefer to hear it as the singer herself has suggested, "It's a love song to herself..." I can totally relate.

PNW love on the East Coast

Long before M and I made the decision to move "back East" two of my dearest friends had made the move in that direction, one to Maine and the other to RI. Because my mom was also in Maine and we often flew in and out of Boston Logan, it made visits with them both easier than it might have been otherwise.

The ties that bind me to these women is strong. I am forever grateful that we've maintained these friendships and with us moving closer to the Atlantic we've had many more opportunities to spend time together. Both ladies have visited Pittsburgh, each with their families, as well as each making the trip to celebrate my 40th with me. I treasure all the memories we've created and am always looking for an opportunity to make more with them. So this past February when my friend JW was celebrating her 40th I knew I had to reciprocate attendance and because I know KLC often works in Boston asked her if she might squeeze me in a for a day.

It was exactly what I needed in the middle of such a dark cold winter and it warmed my heart immediatly.

Friendship requires maintenance, and I am so glad both these women continue to contribute to the health of our relationships. I expect many more memories to be made in the years to come. 

Safe to say I've disembarked the boat~

Six years ago we "set sail" from the Pacific Northwest and headed for the Point, where the Allegheny and Monongahela Rivers meet to form the Ohio.

I was blogging steadily through my experinces of letting go of everything I'd known and established for myself, my family.  It was challenging and at times painful... some months were one small incident after another; where as other times it would seem as if we were climbing the Mt. Everest of insurmountable obstacles. Writing was cathartic and enabled me to keep a larger swath of far away loved ones, family and friends in the know of what was going on. I'll admit I knew it had been spotty, but I was genuinely surprised to see how very little I have actually blogged in the last few years. While there are various reasons, I'd say the most likely culprit is that it's no longer an experience living here, but simply life....

LIVING here in the moment, LIVING here in our beloved East End neighborhood, working here, living HERE = HOME.

~ home is where the heart is ~

LHG has, of course, embarked on her own adventures, moving in to her first real house with someone other than her parents. College, career, travel, whatever her heart desires and we will be here in Pittsburgh supporting her as best we can. 

While we won't be moving any time soon (or EVAH), together M and I will be charting new territories as a couple. For the first time in our 19+ year history it will just be the two of us. Of course we still have the dog, jobs, bills, etcetera; but in the last year we've definitly had more time for each other and our individual hobbies, M has even taken up golf!!! I completed another Rachel Carson Challenge, albeit only 1/2 the distance as last years. We are moving in September, and revisiting where our love story begin in October. We are both working on our 6th year at our respective employers and while we aren't always madly in love with what we do, I think we would agree that we have it better than most in the professional department.





Today is so much more than I imagined for myself, for us, for our lives when I looked out a hotel room windown in Spokane, WA lo those six years ago and took this picture of all our belongings packed into a moving van towing our beloved Subaru (also packed with more belongings).



All the suffering and frustration was a means to an end... so much growth has come from the last six years. So much insight, and knowledge gained. SO MUCH LOVE experienced. SO MUCH LOVE. 

Eyes like wild flowers within demons of change...

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.

...Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.

Oh my my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong. 

Ben Howard

When I stated unequivocally that my 40th year was going to be a game changer, I don't think I had the last 9 months in mind. 2014 in all itz glory

There have been some pretty major milestones, along with a few minor ones: 

MAJOR: M and I have been married for 10 years (together for 18)!!!
minor: I changed oil for the first time in my life. 

REALLY MAJOR: I trekked 34 miles in one day: so-this-did-happen and I can prove it: show

major-ish: I did not suffer any injuries after trekking for 35 in less than 15 hours. 

Minor: The kid survived her freshman year, and her exceptionally boring summer at home.

MAJOR: We have lived in Pittsburgh for five years!!! Which also means I've actively maintained a blog about moving to Pittsburgh for five years and I am still as excited about living here as I was to move here. 

MAJOR: The kid returned to her sophomore year with two jobs, two radio shows, determination and enthusiasm. SO PROUD. 

This past year has provided me with many opportunities to reflect upon where I started and where I've arrived in this year with so many milestones. There have been many moments in the last 25 years where I could not contemplate what my life would look like at 40. There have even been moments I did not think I would be alive at 40 (they've been few and far between, but they've happened). 

So this is it, eh? Forty...

Materialistically - Got stuff. Nice stuff. Meaningful stuff, some random stuff, I try not to hold on to crappy stuff. 

Professionally - Although my current duties in cube life leave something to be desired at the moment, I know that I am VERY LUCKY to have a job and specifically a job that comes with a living wage, good benefits, reasonable hours and expectations. I am also lucky to have this job because there was a time in my life I did not have excellent prospects in the job dept. Certainly a job that came with all the aforementioned qualities was not one I thought I (a single mother with no college education) would be having. While my skills and drive have led me to maintain a decent professional career I can not deny that I have had more than my fair share of lucky breaks along the way.

Health - I definitely indulge, but I exercise and drink gallons of water, so I'm doing okay.

Friends - what can I say about those who provide me with counsel, laughter, support, respect and compassion not in spite of my crazy ways, but because of my crazy ways - for that I am forever indebted to them.

Family - while my family connections are smaller than some - those that I have keep me rooted in truth, loyalty, and belief.

Last but not least, in fact most important - LOVE - love is simple and complicated all at once. IT is worth it. IT has saved me from fear and from ignorance, IT has saved me from myself more than once and IT will likely save me again in the future. love is a gift and I work hard not to take it for granted, including the love I have for myself. 

40 has kicked my ass. 40 has shown me what I am capable of and who I can be. 40 was not what I expected, but it has been everything I asked for. 40 is so good.

There are three months left in this carnival ride of a year, I'm looking forward to settling in to my fourth decade in this fourth quarter of my fortieth year: beginning with my first South Side Step Trek, and our fifth hockey season (#LetsGoPens). 40 is good and its only getting better.