Friday, February 18, 2011

"Capture Life"

I only posted about my recent debilitating mental problem a week ago... and I only started taking medication to help with that like two days ago (more on that in a minute), but I have to say - things are starting to look up.

Admitting there was a problem both to myself, family, and friends (and my little interwebular community) was a huge load off. Being depressed and then being secretive and carrying that around all by yourself is a huge burden that just seems to make it worse. It certainly helped when I received so many positive and loving messages from aforementioned peeps.

There is always an adjustment period with medication and I'm in the throes of that right now... So far the side effects have been manageable having identified them early on. To top it off for getting a 3 month script... Walgreens threw in some free Vit. D (which brings me to my next lifter-upper)

We've had some sunny days and although I haven't made a huge effort to be outside (it's still fairly chilly); I've had a few chances to hold my face into the sunlight and soak up the warmth. I am looking forward to spring... and all the hope that brings with it.

I am also making an effort to ramp up my exercise regime a bit more. I was thrilled when I was able to walk with my walking partner... it's been months (weather, holidays, etc.) since we've gotten to walk. She surprised me with a little gifty before we walked. It was very poignant and is an excellent reminder that I think I might use as my motto in the coming days.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

it wouldn't be the first time...

before I go further in this post it's worth stating: LIFE IS GOOD.

Although I may get frustrated because the huz won't put away the dishes on occasion, my marriage is strong and really I have nothing to complain about. He loves me, he loves our daughter, he hasn't nor do I think he would stray, he cooks dinner for us nearly every night, and he works hard to help keep a roof over our head. And despite my teenager's sometimes surlyness, sometimes messy-ness, and sometimes lack of listening, again I really have nothing to complain about. I think we have a pretty good relationship; we still laugh together A LOT, every now and then she hugs me without me prompting, and we can snuggle and watch 10 episodes of LOST in a row.

My job isn't my dream job, and it has had a lot of challenges but it's gotten better then it was several months ago and I know I am really lucky just to be employed. I still have no regrets about Pittsburgh, and I am really blessed to have found a great support system here.

Having said all that... depression has reared it's ugly head. For me it's genetic. Usually there have been external circumstances that have caused it to surface... the end of a relationship, postpartum, a car accident, whatever.... This time though it's all me, it's all internal; every self doubt I've ever had has managed to find a voice and is shouting inside my head. I KNOW I've made mistakes, I KNOW I am only human, and I even KNOW that I am loved.

I'm putting this out there not for sympathy, not for advice, and not for shock value but because I don't want to hide it. Depression and other mental health diseases are still very taboo in our society and often the pictures they show are not of normal every day people but monsters who end up taking theirs or someone else's life (NOTE: I am NOT that depressed, and am NOT having suicidal thoughts). Too often mental health services are cut because there just isn't funding and then those who are in desperate need can't get the help they need. I am lucky enough to have health insurance and do plan on utilizing it as part of my get better plan.

I KNOW this too will pass. That I will move forward, that I will be OK, that eventually the doubts will quiet down and once again it will be easier to get out of bed in the morning, that I will have courage to tackle things I previously feared, that I won't question my past because I will only be looking to the future. I know this is true.

Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not bombarding me with your ideas on how I can be fixed. Thank you for your understanding and patience while I go through this process.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Two years ago living in enemy territory vs. this year living in the Homeland

We lived in Seattle when the Steelers were last in the Super Bowl (and since defeating the Seahawks in their first Super Bowl, there aren't a lot of Pittsburgh fans in the Emerald City); I even had one friend hope that if they lost we would take that as a sign not to move (except they won, and we would have moved even if they'd lost).

In Seattle we stayed home and watched, a quiet Sunday afternoon. Every now and then the kid would pop in, but otherwise nary a party really.

Living in the Burgh with our absurdly large tv and cozy home we hosted a few friends, and a few of their friends... and had ourselves quite the little party.

The game, the beer, the food (traditional Kilbasi and Kraut), the kids in miniature jerseys, the black and gold popcorn in the souvenir tin, the Terrible Towels, Black and Gold every which way, a Steel Tahn Flag... Sure the game was a loss, but fun times with friends and memories were made and that's the best part for me.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Snow Hound

Poppy loves the yard, and loves snow... and the combo of snow in the yard... to die for. On the weekends when it snows she stays out there for hours.

She spends a lot time in this spot, she can see to the street and sniff at the fence.
Often getting her to come inside involves a little chase around the yard, along her routes.