Sunday, February 13, 2011

it wouldn't be the first time...

before I go further in this post it's worth stating: LIFE IS GOOD.

Although I may get frustrated because the huz won't put away the dishes on occasion, my marriage is strong and really I have nothing to complain about. He loves me, he loves our daughter, he hasn't nor do I think he would stray, he cooks dinner for us nearly every night, and he works hard to help keep a roof over our head. And despite my teenager's sometimes surlyness, sometimes messy-ness, and sometimes lack of listening, again I really have nothing to complain about. I think we have a pretty good relationship; we still laugh together A LOT, every now and then she hugs me without me prompting, and we can snuggle and watch 10 episodes of LOST in a row.

My job isn't my dream job, and it has had a lot of challenges but it's gotten better then it was several months ago and I know I am really lucky just to be employed. I still have no regrets about Pittsburgh, and I am really blessed to have found a great support system here.

Having said all that... depression has reared it's ugly head. For me it's genetic. Usually there have been external circumstances that have caused it to surface... the end of a relationship, postpartum, a car accident, whatever.... This time though it's all me, it's all internal; every self doubt I've ever had has managed to find a voice and is shouting inside my head. I KNOW I've made mistakes, I KNOW I am only human, and I even KNOW that I am loved.

I'm putting this out there not for sympathy, not for advice, and not for shock value but because I don't want to hide it. Depression and other mental health diseases are still very taboo in our society and often the pictures they show are not of normal every day people but monsters who end up taking theirs or someone else's life (NOTE: I am NOT that depressed, and am NOT having suicidal thoughts). Too often mental health services are cut because there just isn't funding and then those who are in desperate need can't get the help they need. I am lucky enough to have health insurance and do plan on utilizing it as part of my get better plan.

I KNOW this too will pass. That I will move forward, that I will be OK, that eventually the doubts will quiet down and once again it will be easier to get out of bed in the morning, that I will have courage to tackle things I previously feared, that I won't question my past because I will only be looking to the future. I know this is true.

Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not bombarding me with your ideas on how I can be fixed. Thank you for your understanding and patience while I go through this process.


  1. love to you, my sweetness. Thank you for your courage~ from cur - french -meaning Heart~ courage to tell your truth from the heart.
    your mom

  2. I hear you sweetie, it will IS hard, and you are so LOVED....hang in there, spring is calling! xoxo

  3. I was just thinking of you today and thought I'd catch up on your blog and bam - here is the reason why! So I can offer you all my wonderful and amazing advice about depression. Kidding! I have none. Also, I know you well enough to know that you will take care of yourself and you will dig yourself out of whatever hole you feel yourself in. That said - really sorry to hear tough times have come calling and that your self doubt can't just cut you some slack. If you're looking for an escapist read - you and your mini-me need to read The Hunger Games. There, that's my only advice. Seriously though, this is book-crack. You will both like. xo

  4. Again, I am in awe of your bravery and strength. I loved this post and will read it again and again.