Tonight I watched what might be the last Scrubs episode, I'm not sure. Apparently the main character is leaving his position at the hospital and as anyone who is familiar with the show knows: JD has an absurd amount of internal dialogue about his feelings, his relationships... his blah...blah..blah, and this episode was no different. I also have a fantastic amount of internal dialoge and begin to wonder...
This isn't the first job I've ever left. Up until recently I had hung on to one or two obligatory goodbye cards (thank heavens for purging), I even got a cake party in the lunchroom once... but I must admit... this feels different. One I'm not just leaving a job, I'm leaving my whole life behind. It's not like I can still meet up with these folk for lunch, or happy hour.
To be honest the last three years (while in my current position) have been challenging years: there was an intensly negative interaction with a coworker in the first six months; three months later I was in a serious car accident that in someways felt nearly fatal, and last but not least my amazingly aimable child hit puberty and was no longer so aimable. Of course this had a profound impact on who I was at work. I wonder will they be glad to be rid of the (self proclaimed)crazy lady? or will they miss the over zealous laughter, the super chatty me? will they notice the absence of my contribution?
I "gave notice" somewhat early (like nearly five months) as the gossip mill around shop is like none other I've experienced. I was worried it would get back to certain people before I had a chance to notify them, and moving out of state with no job to move for isn't something you plan in two weeks. Frankly it was getting difficult pretending I didn't have yet another ginormous event going on after hours. Recently I've also started to inform external contacts, in part because next week will be my last chance to see them at the work conference. Of course they are always so polite and kind with their responses; I have no reason to think internal collegues will be any different, but it's hard not to question... are the people I am going to miss going to miss me? I hope that despite the fact I have been somewhat of a drama queen for three years - I have mattered in a way that in seven months someone will remark, "it's just not the same", and mean it in a kind sweet way. That in the absence of my voice, and laughter the silence will be apperent and loathed. Maybe even Larry will long to hear me sing my "Larry, Larry" ditty.
Then again... who among us doesn't hope we matter? to someone? maybe even just one someone?